The death of an identity & waking of who you truly are.
Updated: Feb 5
A couple weeks ago, out of my control and as a result as the global pandemic, I was let go.
Let go from a job I was totally stoked on.
At least, the people, the perks and the status that I was stoked on.
There is a version of me that ate that sh*t up.
But the "day to day" didn’t light me up.
I didn't feel a great sense of purpose.
That would have been okay, had I not felt the way I do when I coach;
when I teach.
I'll be honest, it's been a total hit. I question who I am without this role.
The social rides, bro-downs, education sessions and the hookups.
The question looms; what do I do now.
I'm at a split on the road.
The feeling of panic settles in when I think of the financial burden of "doing this on my own".
I question if I’m crazy to sacrifice potentials like buying a home soon.
To sacrifice achievements that I was so close to fulfilling.
Sacrifice things I believe will bring stability.
Things I didn't have when I was young that resulted in stress, uncertainty and quite frankly chaos.
This lifestyle I'm so petrified of falling back into.
Although these uncomfortable emotions at times keep me awake at night, I also have moments of curiosity.
Connection with a deeper sense of purpose.
There is a certain version of my Self I tap into when I am coaching.
It’s what I love about my FlowState method; it comes from the depth of my being.
From decades of playful, athletic experience and curiosity about what my body and mind can do.
Similarly, It’s what I love about vinyasa - going on a journey with fellow movers.
It's my art; I teach from a blank canvas.
I only "started finding my voice" in the last couple years.
Finding my space within this movement world.
Through curiosity, failure, passion, purpose and recently, autonomy.
Here's the thing...
I know the narrative and identity that's supported by the salary, far better than I know this recently discovered Self.
12 years of one, and 2 years of the latter.
Pretty unbalanced if you ask me.
One is far more comfortable, certain, secure and aligned with the social norm; I could be back on a salary, guaranteed projection of a "successful on paper storyline" in no time.
But all this said...
There are two vital pieces that can't be ignored...
People are showing up
In my gut, that intuitive insight, I know the truth
There are few things I love as much as sharing a room with humans all in pursuit of growth, presence and connected movement .
Explorative humans that show up, smile and brave the wilderness when presented.
The wilderness being the uncertainty of whatever crazy movement I throw at them.
They are humans that f*cking inspire me with their discipline, dedication and passion.
Humble humans that show up, ask questions and do not settle simply for what is.
In addition to the power of community, there's the truth that's been poking at me for the last couple years. It’s reaffirming how powerful the universe is.
The timing of this sh*t news landing is truly a coincidence; dare I call it that.
Let me elaborate...
Each year I set an intention.
A reminder of the direction in which I want to be heading.
Aligned with my values and what feels right, joyful and true.
When I catch myself feeling emotional or hesitant, uncertain, this intention helps with deciding.
About two months ago, 6 weeks before I was delivered the news, I set the following intention.
The intention of Service.
An intention bigger than me; to step away from what can be gained, and into what I can give.
Who I can support. What I can support.
From the people. To the planet.
To truly live from this intention, I must be okay with loss; as it is not about me.
Sacrifice is a part of service.
Sacrificing what the self can gain, for what it can provide.
Can I go against the grain.
Flow against the current.
Pull this sh*t off and live a decent life with some sense of security while I do.
A chapter closes, outside of my control.
The hooked-up bike-rep-bro, so-in-the-scene is dead.
Like the “dying” or "crisis" in Joseph Campbells Hero’s Journey.
I grapple with the discomfort of letting go of that narrative.
But I do so knowing, I have the upper hand.
Every day I work to surrender that version of my identity in due time; with compassion.
And as that chapter closes. Another opens.
I am presented the opportunity to create room and space for me to grow.
It’s another step in becoming my truest Self.
Thus the greatest question must be answered.
At this new chapter; this place of rebirthing,
So raw, real and frightening.
What is it that I want to create?
If I could not fail, what would I put my efforts into achieving?
As I reflect, I remind myself this can be small and it can large.
There is no right or wrong.
With all that in mind, I have decided not to pursue another role in telling someone’s story.
The path I know guarantee’s my safety.
The path I was heading just weeks ago.
The sled, the house, the third bike.
That, I must surrender. To pursue the truth. Pursue something greater than me.
I don’t know what the future will bring. Many failures I’m sure.
With them, opportunities to learn.
To be humbled.
While in the wilderness I will fall. I will cry. I will run from the shadows.
That I am certain.
But I will stay curious. I will explore. I will dance. I will serve.
I will do my best.
That is my journey.
That is my greatest purpose right now.
I am afraid, but I am inspired.
I waiver from one to the other like a boat rocking in rough waters; back and forth.
When afraid, please inspire.
When inspired, please celebrate.
Share your stories; of challenge and courage.
Your stories of walking in the wild.
Share and I will know I’m not alone out here.
And know this, you are not either.
Here’s to a new chapter.