Updated: Feb 5
A couple weeks ago, out of my control and as a result as the global pandemic, I was let go.
Let go from a job I was totally stoked on.
At least, the people, the perks and the status that I was stoked on.
There is a version of me that ate that sh*t up.
But the "day to day" didn’t light me up.
I didn't feel a great sense of purpose.
That would have been okay, had I not felt the way I do when I coach;
when I teach.
I'll be honest, it's been a total hit. I question who I am without this role.
The social rides, bro-downs, education sessions and the hookups.
The question looms; what do I do now.
I'm at a split on the road.
The feeling of panic settles in when I think of the financial burden of "doing this on my own".
I question if I’m crazy to sacrifice potentials like buying a home soon.
To sacrifice achievements that I was so close to fulfilling.
Sacrifice things I believe will bring stability.
Things I didn't have when I was young that resulted in stress, uncertainty and quite frankly chaos.
This lifestyle I'm so petrified of falling back into.
Although these uncomfortable emotions at times keep me awake at night, I also have moments of curiosity.
Connection with a deeper sense of purpose.
There is a certain version of my Self I tap into when I am coaching.
It’s what I love about my FlowState method; it comes from the depth of my being.
From decades of playful, athletic experience and curiosity about what my body and mind can do.
Similarly, It’s what I love about vinyasa - going on a journey with fellow movers.
It's my art; I teach from a blank canvas.
I only "started finding my voice" in the last couple years.
Finding my space within this movement world.
Through curiosity, failure, passion, purpose and recently, autonomy.
Here's the thing...
I know the narrative and identity that's supported by the salary, far better than I know this recently discovered Self.
12 years of one, and 2 years of the latter.
Pretty unbalanced if you ask me.
One is far more comfortable, certain, secure and aligned with the social norm; I could be back on a salary, guaranteed projection of a "successful on paper storyline" in no time.